


X. Ways to Say I Love You

by ShadowCas



Series: Where Do We Go From Here? (SPN Hiatus Creations 2019) [10]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Betaed, Episode: s12e12 Stuck In The Middle (With You), Episode: s12e19 The Future - Mixtape Scene, I Love You, I Love You. I Love All of You., Injured Castiel (Supernatural), Kissing, Long coda, Love Confessions, Love Languages, M/M, Misunderstandings, Near Death Experiences, Pre-Season/Series 15, SPN Hiatus Creations 2019, Ways To Say I Love You, Week 10, What a fucking surprise, but very drawn out, coda series, lots of miscommunication and misunderstanding, these boys are just not getting it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-25 14:20:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20027215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadowCas/pseuds/ShadowCas
Summary: Cas is confused by a kiss from Dean when there have been no indications, up to this point, that Dean feels the same way as Cas does about him. When Cas challenges Dean on his actions, it becomes clear that the two of them are far overdue for a heart-to-heart.





	X. Ways to Say I Love You

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to sweetness47 for beta-ing!

It had been a difficult day.

This was, perhaps, an understatement, but in terms of the Apocalypse, Cas thought it to be accurate. In a world gone mad, getting overcrowded by sweaty, boisterous hunters all day was, all in all, pretty good. So being nearly killed by zombies? Difficult. Not bad — that would be if the zombies had _succeeded_ — but difficult.

However, if Cas was to sum up the events of his difficult day and predict what would happen next, never in a million years (and he _knows_ how long a million years really is) would he have guessed _this._ Never would he have foreseen that all these incidents would culminate in Dean’s lips pressed against his.

There’s not much thought to it at first. All Cas can do is absorb with all his senses: Dean’s face, so close that it’s out of focus, his freckles disappearing in a blur. The faint citrusy smell of Sam’s shampoo — all that was left after Dean’s ran out a week ago. A slightly tangy taste: Cas isn’t sure whether that’s from traces of blood on his own lips or a flavor that Dean brings with him. The sound of his own heartbeat in his ears. And then, of course, the feeling of Dean’s soft lips pressed firmly against his own, Dean’s hand curled into his shirt, and his stomach flipping as he takes all of this in.

After a moment, his brain begins to function again. His first thought is that this has to be some kind of sick joke; he just can’t rationalize any logical reason for Dean Winchester to be kissing him like he is right now. He almost pulls away, hurt, but then reason catches up to him and reminds him that as absurd as it this situation is, Dean would never purposely do anything to hurt him. The shame of even thinking about it, however, is enough guilt for him to gently pull his head away, causing Dean to do the same.

Dean looks at him, a bit breathless and totally silent. His eyebrows give an unreadable quirk, asking some kind of question that Cas is yet to comprehend.

Sensing that he is to be the one to make the next move, Cas licks his lips nervously, still tasting that unplaceable tang, as he flounders for the appropriate next step. Before he can carefully phrase them, the words suddenly tumble out of his mouth: “What was that for?”

Dean looks taken aback, and maybe just a bit injured. “What do you mean?” He reaches forward. “Cas.”

Cas is startled as Dean’s fingers brush against his, attempting to interlock, and he moves on pure instinct alone as he pulls his hand away and sits up fully to gain some leverage. He eyes Dean warily.

Dean definitely looks wounded now, though Cas isn’t sure why. Cas is the one who’s confused. _Cas_ is the one who’s received an impossible kiss with no explanation.

“Sorry,” Dean says, backing off, even though he still has that strange, hurt look in his eyes. “Too much? Too fast?” He laughs awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. “I, uh, thought we were on the same page there, but if it’s too much, too soon…”

“I don’t — I,” Cas stutters, at a total loss on how to respond. “Why did you do that?”

The hurt dissolves from Dean’s face, replaced by a confusion equal to Cas’s. “Because. I mean. You know!”

“No. I don’t.”

Dean is wide-eyed. “Oh my God,” he says, and Cas decides to let the “God” slide without comment. “You _don’t._”

“I don’t,” Cas repeats, bits of annoyance pricking under his skin. “So if you’d care to enlighten me…”

“I just — I thought that the uh, the kiss made it pretty clear. I mean, that I. You know. How I _feel about you,_” he finishes aggressively. When Cas continues to stare him down, looking for anything to grasp onto to make sense of his words, Dean sighs and tentatively reaches for Cas’s hand again. This time, Cas allows him to take it, and the warmth of Dean’s hand envelops his own. “Cas. You’re my best friend, man. You know that.” Cas nods. This much is clear to him. “But… you are so much more than that.”

“Brothers, you’ve said,” Cas supplies, ignoring the sting that the words give him.

“No. Yes. I mean, yes, I’ve said that, but that’s not what I meant.” Cas’s heart picks up a little, though he doesn’t dare to hope. “That was just me filling the space with terms I could wrap my head around.” Dean looks down, and Cas can see that the tips of his ears are bright pink. “What I meant is that… I don’t want you to leave, Cas. Ever. I want to see you every day for the rest of my life.”

Cas stays silent, though his heart thuds louder. As sweet as Dean’s words are, they don’t exactly confirm what Cas is dying to hear. There’s still space for interpretation.

Until there isn’t. “And I want to lay down next to you at the end of every day. I want you to be my partner through everything.” Dean looks up and studies his expression, and Cas has never felt so seen. “Do you get it?”

“Yes. _Yes_,” he says emphatically, squeezing Dean’s hand. “Dean, I feel the same.” An unsure smile pulls at the corners of his mouth, and once it’s started, he can’t stop it from spreading into a full, toothy grin.

“Good,” Dean says, releasing a tense lungful of air. “Shit, I thought for a second there that I had read this all wrong.” His thumb plays over Cas’s. “Uh, you’re sure this isn’t too much? I know I might have come on a little strong…”

“No?” Cas says, confused. “Why would you think—?”

“Jeez. You really had no clue? About how I felt?”

Cas does his best to keep his jaw from hitting the floor. “Was it supposed to be obvious?”

Dean’s face falls into an expression that Cas thinks probably mirrors his very well. “_Cas,_” he says, sounding almost pained.

“No, I saw no indication that you were remotely interested in me the same way I was you.”

Dean makes a choked sound, and he swings his other leg up onto the bed so he can face Cas fully. “Dude. I set up planned movie nights with you. Alone.”

Cas smiles apologetically. While their movie nights are nice, he’d never thought to categorize them as a love confession.

Dean continues, “I call you Sunshine.” He grabs Cas’s other hand. “I actually talk to you before coffee.” Another thing that Cas is touched by, but not necessarily swayed with. “I’ve trusted you with the Impala keys.” His voice takes on more volume. “I made you a goddamn mixtape!”

Cas’s face scrunches in question.

“Oh, come on. I couldn’t have made it any more obvious than that. It’s a _mixtape._”

“I don’t get it,” Cas says honestly. “Don’t get me wrong, it was a very thoughtful gift, but—”

“It’s a romantic thing, Cas. Couples do it.”

“Do they?”

“Shit,” Dean says. “Of course you wouldn’t know.” He pulls his hands away and scratches his head. “Well, that’s my own damn fault. Been showing you the wrong movies, I guess.”

Cas scoots closer and smiles softly. “I’m sorry I missed all of that. I appreciated it; I just didn’t know what it meant.” A small laugh escapes, and he lays a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “I guess you’ve been speaking a language that I fail to understand.”

Dean scoffs. “Yeah, but ‘s not your fault, Cas. Guess I should’ve been more direct. I just… didn’t want to ruin what we already had if you didn’t feel the same way.”

“If I didn’t—” It’s Cas’s turn to be shocked. “You mean _you_ didn’t know, either?”

Dean rolls his eyes and nudges Cas with his shoulder. “I mean, I wasn’t _totally_ oblivious, like you.” Cas smiles a bit, despite himself. “I had an inkling that maybe you had, I dunno, a crush or something.”

“A crush.”

“Yeah.”

“That’s it?”

Dean blushes a bit. “Well, I wasn’t sure, okay?”

“Dean. I literally _told _you.”

“Told me what?”

Cas stares incredulously. “That I loved you.”

“What?” Dean bursts out. “No way,” he insists, making a face. “I would’ve remembered something like that.”

Cas is honestly a bit hurt that he doesn’t. “I did.”

“When?” Dean exclaims.

“On my deathbed. _Two years ago_.” And sure, afterwards he had explained his confession away to himself as completely platonic and thoroughly denied anything else, but now that his feelings are out in the open, he can no longer pretend. That had been a defense to protect himself after Dean hadn’t responded. There was no longer use for it now that they were on the same page.

“That was—that was directed at me? Specifically?”

“Yes,” Cas groans. “Though I understand that my deflection afterwards may have muddied your interpretation.”

Dean scrunches his eyes and rubs his forehead. “No, you literally _told_ me, and I was too dense to get it. What the hell?”

“It’s not your fault, either,” Cas reassures him. “Like I said before, we’ve just been speaking different languages. We’ve been saying the same thing…”

“Just not in the same way,” Dean finishes. He laughs. “But we’re on the same page, now. Right?”

“I think so,” Cas says. “But just to be sure…” He places his hand not quite on Dean’s shoulder, this time daring to aim closer for the crook of his neck, which is, as he understands, a bit more intimate. He strokes his thumb against Dean’s collarbone. “Dean Winchester.” He can’t help the nerves that tighten in his chest as he vocalizes words he hasn’t said in two years. “I love you.”

Dean’s blinding grin is all that Cas needs to know how he feels. “Y-yeah. Same here, Cas.” He looks a bit disappointed in himself, but Cas smiles encouragingly. He knows these are words that are difficult for Dean to say. He also knows that Dean _does_ feel that way, and they’ll get there eventually. But apparently Dean has one more surprise for Cas. He brings his hand to Cas’s cheek, mirroring Cas’s own position. He takes a deep breath, and with renewed determination says, “I love you.”

A spring of emotion wells up in Cas’s chest, and he’s suddenly overcome with a need for an encore of physical closeness. “Now that we’re no longer lost in translation,” he suggests, moving his hand up to Dean’s cheek as well, “I’d like to try that kiss again.”

“Anytime, Sunshine,” Dean beams, pulling him in.

This time, they meet in the middle.


End file.
